Be human, be a hero — Primer for transgender allies

Haylen Rose
6 min readAug 25, 2023

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She stepped in front of the semi-trailer seeking certain death. Her hope that the need to end her sadness would speak louder for social change and empathy, buried in her resolve. Her disconnect from her body, family and a society that rejected and tormented her mentally and physically had taken its toll. In those few seconds, the world lost another beautiful voice for diversity, individuality… another life not seeing her worth, that could have been saved with empathy.

“Either I live the rest of my life as a lonely man who wishes he were a woman or I live my life as a lonelier woman who hates herself. There’s no winning. There’s no way out. I’m sad enough already, I don’t need my life to get any worse.” — Leelah Alcorn

In what follows, I hope to give a base understanding the core “why” of social and mental issues faced by transgender persons and a few low effort actions a would-be ally can take. There are oversimplifications of the sciences driving these points, these are intended for easier understanding, I’ll dive into more scientific details in future articles.

Transgender (TGNB), Love, human social nature

“Deep down even the most hardened criminal is starving for the same thing that motivates the innocent baby: Love and acceptance” — Lily Fairchilde”

As humans, we have a fundamental need for positive and lasting relationships, social support that empowers us. Our primal brain is wired to find roles and groups in society that feeds these needs. Not being able to nurture these needs can lead to different mental disorders at varying intensities based on the situation as well as the individual.

A disconnect between part of your brain’s hardwiring controlling the drive for gender roles and your physical body, will add magnitudes more in challenges to nurturing these fundamental needs within in a society that still bases gender, among other things, solely on physical attributes of a person.

“Being transgender is not a mental illness. But people who are transgender face unique challenges, such as gender dysphoria and discrimination, which can affect their mental health.”

It’s demonstrated both in the outcomes of Conversion Therapy used by certain churches as well as scientific studies that psychological attempts to force a transgender person to be cisgender have been linked to adverse mental health outcomes.

Transgender people suffer from high levels of stigmatization, discrimination and victimization, contributing to negative self-image and increased rates of other mental health disorders. Transgender individuals are at higher risk of victimization and hate crimes than the general public. Suicide rates among transgender people are markedly higher than the general population.

Transgender children and adolescents are often victims of bullying and discrimination at school, which can contribute to serious adverse mental health outcomes. Interventions are often needed to create safe and affirming school environments.

How do I help the situation?

With quite a few studies done on how acceptance and inclusivity affects transgender persons done over the past 2 decades, there’s quite a few low effort things that allies can do to help the situation.

Pronouns are basic BUT powerful

A simple act of respecting someone’s pronouns has been statistically shown to reduce depression and suicide and this is one of the most powerful ways to show acceptance and inclusion.

Listen first to the pronouns other people use when referring to them. Someone who knows the person well will probably use the correct pronoun. If you must ask which pronoun the person uses, start with your own. This is also a powerful ice breaker!

For example, “Hi, I’m Alex and I use the pronouns he and him. What about you?” Then use that person’s pronoun and encourage others to do so. If you accidently use the wrong pronoun, apologize quickly and sincerely, correct your mistake, then move on. The bigger deal you make out of the situation, the more uncomfortable it is for everyone.

Don’t make Assumptions

Transgender people don’t look any certain way or come from any one background. Many transgender people do not appear “visibly trans,” meaning they are not perceived to be transgender by others. It is not possible to look around a room and “see” if there are any transgender people. (It would be like a person looking around the room to “see” if there are any gay people.) You should assume that there may be transgender people at any gathering or in any space.

Sexual Orientation is Different to Gender Identity

Sexual orientation is about who we’re attracted to. Gender identity is about our own personal sense of being a man or a woman, or neither of those binary genders. Transgender people can be gay, lesbian, bisexual, straight, or any other sexual orientation.

“Coming out” is different for Transgender persons

“Coming out” as lesbian, gay, or bisexual is typically seen as revealing a truth that allows other people to know your authentic self. However, this is a different dynamic for transgender persons and comfort levels with doing so will vary from person to person. This includes both transgender persons that blends in physically with society’s current concept of gender as well as those that are struggling to meet these standards. There’s a greater sensitivity around “coming out” for transgender people due to social implications and stigmatizations.

Unfortunately, it can often feel disempowering for a transgender person to disclose to other people that they are transgender. Sometimes when other people learn a person is trans, they no longer see the person as “real.” Some people may choose to publicly discuss their gender history in an effort to raise awareness and make cultural change, but please don’t assume that it’s necessary for a transgender person to disclose that they are transgender in order to feel happy and whole.

Don’t ask a transgender person what their “real name” is.

For some transgender people, being associated with their birth name is a tremendous source of anxiety, or it is simply a part of their life they wish to leave behind.

Respect the name a transgender person is currently using. If you happen to know the name someone was given at birth but no longer uses, don’t share it without the person’s explicit permission. Similarly, don’t share photos of someone from before their transition, unless you have their permission.

Transgender and Non-Binary is not new!

Transgender people have existed across cultures and throughout history. However, due to the availability of medical procedures and capabilities to treat gender dysphoria on a physical level, transgender people have now become something that modern culture and religions seem to be more concerned about.

What is new is the heightened awareness of gender diversity and the transgender community because of increased media attention in recent years. Seek out resources written by transgender people about how trans people existed in the past, and how trans community exists in different countries around the world.

Thanks for reading! — Let’s make a change!

Social empathy and support with even the simplest actions and basic understanding can increase the quality of life and change the story for transgender youth, they do not have to end up like Leelah.

Choose love and human empathy than systemically taught hate. Opinions, even if scientifically unfounded, matter in our society. You have the power to change it!

Live by love, not by hate!

References and further reading

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/gender-dysphoria/what-is-gender-dysphoria

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Haylen Rose

Technologist, Entrepreneur, Agile advocate, Software Engineer, proud female activist who happens to be transgender